Come out now o! I no dey follow u play o!
which kain nonsense be dis na?” “O o ni jade abi (you won’t come out now abi), ashawo,
you don overchop dis time o! ‘Amuofia come
out na o, ehn ehn!” Mama Seun was shouting
at the top of her voice and banging the door
at the same time. . . Sometimes, I wonder
what type of microphone is rooted in the
woman’s oesophagus. It was just 5.00a.m. in
the morning; God knows that my sleep had
been murdered; chai! Abi which kain gobe be this one on Saturday morning?
I wasn’t lost in my thought that much
when the iron hand and microphone-pitched
voice of Mama Seun threw me back into
reality. “Were, so o ni bo o de ni?
(madwoman, won’t you come out) ‘Onyiara’,
‘Onyiochi’ . . . Papa Sola o! Mama Titi, Ada,
Eliza! Make una come out o. . .” she
continued to rant. Walking hastily to my
door, I was full of laughter to the brim, this
woman will not finish me for this compound.
“Wetin eyes never see sef. . .? that’s my mind calming me; but wait o, “this smells bad, this one wey Mama Seun don dey alert everyone wey dey No. 5. . .” my other mind was warning me. . . but seriously who cares? I haven’t done anything to be worried for. Mama Seun’s heavy fist landed on my door
again; I held the door knob, trying to open
the door but God knows that my mind was
long gone, one minute I am feigning ‘wetin
she go do’, the other minute, I’m f**king
scared and I don’t know which of the feelings is real but something tells me that na the fear real pass. “Shey if I no open the door, she go kill me? she go just frustrate commot na ni” I murmured to myself.
Mama Seun is not one to be toyed with and ever since I became a tenant at No. 5, I have made it a point of duty to always stay in my own lane. I chuckled; “what’s so funny babe?” I said to myself. Nothing much really; (na me dey ask, na me dey answer). Anyways, I just remembered one of my real goons, a brother soon to blow in the music industry wey be
say na only shikini time remain, his name is
Bragadosa. That’s not his real name though,
that’s one of his songs title, but that’s what I
call him. He always says “na my lane I dey
o”; very funny, but that slogan had kept my
relationship with Mama Seun at a sane level.
Where should I even start from?
Mama Seun’s body structure can make Aki
and Pawpaw piss for body if dem try
nonsense. She’s black not dark, heavily built,
6.3ft tall with a broad chest that always make
me wonder each time I see her, if she be gym
instructor in her past life. She’s big from her
chest side to the waist line, then from her
waist, she con slim no be small. . . I can’t
remember what body figure Amaka gave her
body but I know say the figure number no
dey this world. . . The worst part is she has
small tits, like the size of fruit; the biggest
size a fruit tree seed can ever be. Why do
they even call that thing fruit sef? I chop that
thing tire when I small, even till
undergraduate days. After I don chop am
finish, I go carry heavy stone to break it and
eat the groundnut inside it.
Hmmm (I sighed), Mama Seun’s tits can be
small but she unbelievably fed four kids with
that small thing. Choi! I don miss Amaka o,
that girl na proper ‘were’, she can lampoon
Mama Seun’s tits like crazy. She go talk say,
“wetin Papa Seun dey hold sef?” and na true
talk; the man hand big no be small, one hand
is as wide as a plantain leaf. It can couple me
and Amaka’s boobs together and the hand go
still get space and no be fruit tits o! Proper B
and C cups. . .
Hmmm, I lifted up my eyes and caught the
clock, it was already 5.30a.m., Mama Seun
still dey shout for there; na she sabi, na when
I wan open my door, I go open am. Walking
back briskly into the room, Mama Seun’s
voice began to intensify, she wasn’t the only
one screaming this time, I could hear
murmurings from neighbours. One voice that
was distinct enough was Eliza’s. That girl can
‘gbeborun’ for Africa; I’m so sure she would
be the first person to come out on Mama
Seun’s call.
Eliza and Mama Seun na 5 and 6; always
together tending to their daily businesses,
and guess what that is, gossiping of course.
Me and Mama Seun would have been the
closest neighbour at No. 5 but me being me, I
don’t mix with ‘hybrids’, I do pure
‘werewolves’ or pure ‘vampires’ only; too
much vampire diaries and supernaturals.
Elizabeth turned Eliza, thanks to people like
Mama Seun. Elizabeth is too ‘tush’ to
pronounce, but Eliza is more Nigerian for
her. I almost beat that babe one day, but na
‘tori’ for another day. Eliza already grew to
like the way she’s being called. Wetin the
yeye girl sabi before; ‘all eyes on me’ and
‘olasanmi’ no be the same thing?
Eliza is a Senior Secondary School 3
student, she is Igbo, born only but bred in
our area, she is popularly referred to as
‘Mama Seun’s Igbo Teacher’. Yea right; she is
the one who teaches Mama Seun all her
sickened Igbo insults she’s been vomiting
since morning except that she is a good
teacher and Mama Seun na terrible and poor
student. Eliza is a black beauty, she’s sharp,
intelligent, 5.7ft tall, slim but proportionally
‘hipful’ with a rounded perky breast which
she flaunts about in transparent clothes
without a girdle to hold them. She always
reminds me of my young self back in the
days. Her only defect is that she’s highly
‘loose.’
Lifting up my head from where I was
seated, the clock sounded and then it dawned
on me that it was 7.00a.m. already. I
definitely have places to go to today and
Mama Seun that I know would never retreat
until I surrender. I decided to brace up to the
fate at my doorstep, I walked smartly to the
door in my hot night-wear, my hands on the
door knob with an attempt to unlock it and
there it was, I just did.
To be continued....
No comments:
Post a Comment