And there I stood, it wasn’t a dream. It was me staring into
the bulging faces of Mama Seun and the beautiful ‘gbeboruns’ of
No. 5 pretentiously referred to as neighbours. Staring at each other,
we were both lost for words for few minutes. The meeting was so
awkward and it was first of its kind in the history of my co-
tenancy with Mama Seun.
“Omo ilu mi, ma binu jare, na only you dey house?” Finally some
words!
I made a prolonged silent hiss motivated by anger and frustration.
My anger towards Mama Seun for spoiling my morning and sabotaging
my sleep wasn’t a small one after all, it seemed like I wasn’t the
one she was looking for.
“Mama Seun, na only me dey house, wetin happen na?” I asked
with a stern in my voice and a grin at the likes of Eliza, Mama Titi
and Papa Chinyere; the clueless neighbours at my doorstep.
“I dey go work o Mama Seun, wetin happen na. Answer the babe
o.”
Mtcheeeew! Yeye neigbour, I felt like smacking his head. Old man
sha wan talk so tey him no sabi say na weekend we dey, abi person
dey go work for weekend? Maybe e dey work for mortuary, who
knows!
I let it stride without expanding the comment made by Papa
Chinyere so it won’t become a distraction for Mama Seun to jump
into.
Papa Chinyere is one of my best neighbours in the compound. Maybe
I like him because of his head sha. Bald-headed men trips me
especially those with pot-belly; it somehow makes it interesting you
know; and my one wish ever since I got my apartment at No. 5
was to get my hands on Papa Chinyere’s head whichever way even
if it has to be the best way I know how to. I must before I leave
the compound.
“Ma binu jare omo ilu mi.” Mama Seun’s response cut my imaginations
short and threw me back into the reality of the moment. The
woman can ‘famz’ for Africa.
The ‘omo ilu mi’ ish is what always makes me tired of her. We both
happened to share the same State and Town; the only thing we
never shared was our Local Government Areas. She is from the
South part, while I came from the North part and we just weren’t
really close but she never ceases to maximize any opportunity she has
with me to flaunt the fact that we came from the same state as
if it was some Dubai visa.
“I know say you go don vex since, no vex abeg. I no know say na
you dey house na.” Mama Seun continued
“So you no even know who dey house before you started shouting
and screaming our names to come help you join in your matter?”
Mama Titi added facing Mama Seun.
“Abi o Mama Titi. Me dey waka go my room o abi na wetin?” Papa
Chinyere turned to go.
“Come make we help them settle this matter na. Papa Chinyere!
Come back abi na wetin sef? Na only you waka come here? Shoo!. .
.”
“Ehn, Mama Titi, e don do abeg. No start another matter for my
doorstep. Only you and Eliza don do to settle why Mama Seun dey
bang my room early momo.” I lashed out facing each of them at a
pause in utterance.
“Sebi I don tell you say make you no vex na. Ma binu simi, we no
fit fight na.”
“I no vex o Mama Seun but who you con dey find?” I replied.
“Na Amaka”
‘Hehehehehehehe’. I laughed weirdly. Somehow, her response threw
me off balance. Where con be the boiling point of ‘a proper
madman’ and ‘an occasional madman’? Maybe at the point of insanity
sha.
“Amaka no dey o. My babe has travelled since yesterday and I don’t
think Amaka would be coming back anytime soon.” I gushed out.
“Itumo?”Mama Seunsked eagerly in Yoruba.
“Wetin happen sef Mama Seun? I screamed the words at her; I
was already running out of patience but I couldn’t help but pity. . .
A typical local Yoruba wife looking for her man!
“Well, Mama Seun, the itumo be say, Amaka ti travel, ‘mi o mo igba
to ma wa’ or better still, ‘ko wa mo’. I emphasized.
The only time I speak my mother tongue is when I’m being
frustrated or loosing my patience with someone; but really is that
the only time I should express myself in my mother tongue? But
who cares anyways, I hate when you have to repeat something all
over and over again. Only God knows where common sense has gone
to in this country with some people!
“Well, e be like say you go gimme her number o because I dey find
my husband.”
Now, I couldn’t contain my laughter anymore. Amaka and Baba
Seun? I really don’t seem to understand.
“But Mama Seun, shey you and Amaka don dey share your husband
ni because I don’t understand what Amaka or Amaka’s number has
to do with your husband?”
“Me I sabi wetin I dey talk o plus God save her say I no meet her
for house and help me tell her say if she like herself, make she no
come back to this compound again o!”
Now, I was really beginning to laugh real hard. Mama Seun na
‘were’ (madwoman) but her madness no reach Amaka own. We both
know she’s just bluffing. Somehow I seemed lost in her conversation,
and the next minute, I was really feeling like I was in control of
the whole situation.
“Abeg, shey your husband dey miss ni abi wetin. Fill me in na, Mama
Seun, na me o, your omo ilu?” . . . I was beginning to enjoy the
whole scenario now.
“Wo, leave me jare. The last time I saw my husband was yesterday
morning before I go drop Seun for school and when I came back
late in the evening from my outings, I couldn’t find my husband. I
asked everyone, checked everywhere till Eliza told me that the last
time she saw my husband was with Amaka. E for even better at
least; na the way she saw them gave me concern.”
Choi! Eliza the ‘loose’ girl. When I said she is loose, that’s what I
meant. Loosed-mouth everywhere. She is the type you have to be
secretive with or else, ‘your own don done for Africa.’
“How she con talk say she see them o, Mama Seun?” I asked
“Sebi Eliza sef dey here na, oya talk na.” Mama Titi interfered
facing Eliza with seriousness written all over her face.
“Erm! Erm! Erm!. . .”
Hehehehehehehehe, that was Eliza stammering. Mama Titi and Mama
Seun were wondering about the reason for her sudden slow in
speech and were pressuring her to talk but ‘sebi na only sane person
go sabi why insane man dey chop savage on top refuse dump.’
Indirectly, I sabi wetin dey make Eliza stammer. Eliza no wan chop
another dose of me, but whether convenient or no, Eliza just have
to talk o. Mama Seun won’t allow her not to and I won’t allow her
to miss my dose either!
“Erm, Erm, I saw Aunty Amaka putting a measurement tape
around Baba Seun’s thing.!”
“Ah! Lobatan o!” Mama Titi screamed
“Which one con be thing na, you better talk well well.” Mama Seun
screamed.
“Erm, I mean say, Aunty Amaka was measuring Baba Seun’s thing.”
Eliza said, making gestural descriptions.
“Was she holding it or how she dey take measure am?”
“Errrm! E don do o Mama Titi!” I lashed out. The woman too like
male anatomy but people don’t see it because Mama Titi gets to hide
it well under her ‘spirikoko’ attitude but as Amaka dey take talk
am, “Na one robber fit identify the other.” I couldn’t help but laugh
at the whole scenario. Baba Seun isn’t Amaka’s type. Maybe
whatever they were doing was misunderstood by Eliza and that one
sef go hear am from me.
“Well, Mama Seun, I would try and reach Amaka for you because
her number is presently not available and whatever that was Eliza
saw, I’m sure she misunderstood it.”
“Okay o! Sha warn the stupid girl for me, make e no go,chop poison
one day.”
Mama Seun hissed and left. Wow! I just had a comic morning of my
life. I just lied to Mama Seun about Amaka’s number not reachable
but seriously what would Mama Seun have said to Amaka if I had
given the number to her? Well, na Mama Seun sabi o!
I entered my room to an annoying sound like a grunting of the pig!
Yeah right! That was a man snoring on my bed; yet he has no
potbelly and less fat, except for the thing in-between his legs. Been
there, done well! Lol!
“Bebe, come to bed now!”
“Thought you still sleeping?”
What kind of man snores and yet he is awake? I murmured to
myself.
“Been awake since jare! What was that about?”
“Your wife is such a raging bitch you know. . .”
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